Hi I’m Pauline Tomlin and I want to talk about – Purpose.
Why me? Why now? I was born the eldest of three sisters and as such was a terribly serious child who quickly became accustomed to ‘doing the right thing.’
Life has thrown up a series of challenges, (choices) and I have grown and learned through these often spirit breaking situations. I have also learnt about life…in all its colours and importantly, I have learnt so much more about myself and others.
Today, I find myself here, now approaching middle age and I realise that these lessons have value. Here’s my blog and I want to talk, if I may indulge you, about my experiences.
Recently talked about purpose on my website. We all have one. I explained how our soul works to direct us to nudge & poke us into taking the action necessary for us to step into that purpose and feel the completeness of being who we are truly meant to be.
Today, I begin a two-part illustration of how this worked in my life experience.
Ill-at-ease = Dis-ease
Last week I wrote about my early life and how I’d always had a vision of, and instinct for who and what I was to be in life, but I allowed the outside world, the significant adults in my life and the ‘accepted’ ideas of what you can and ‘should’ be overpower me.
I stopped listening to my inner wisdom and instead looked outside myself for acceptance and confirmation. The result of this is unhappiness.. a ‘dis-ease’ feelings that show up as: being uncomfortable in your own skin, a longing, feelings of discontent, repressed anger, not communicating, self-harm, addictions…
However they manifest your soul is showing you that you’re not on your right path.
If left unchecked and unheard these feelings and actions can lead to severe illness, or (dis-ease), self-destruction and even death!
Swallowing my truth…
Last week I explained how The constant swallowing of my voice and being quiet for fear of offending others with either my singing or my opinions had led, since the age of 9 or 10 to severe tonsillitis. It occurred pretty much every year, I could pretty much predict when it would take place.
Eventually, at the age of 27, they had broken down so badly and were so diseased I needed a tonsillectomy.
I had manifested ‘Disease’ from my persistent Dis-ease…
Disease is exactly that; DIS-EASE. When we are ill, our spirit is in some way being compromised. We are not expressing in the way we should be and so we are “ill at ease” if this situation is consistent and persistent it will manifest physically over time as “Dis-ease”.
My spirit was so ill at ease because of my inability to follow my ‘TRUE NORTH’ that illness was the result. My communication centre, the centre I should have been using to uplift others was blocked from choosing to swallow my words…swallow my song.
The message is this…
The weight of criticism and ‘advice’ and my inability to find a way to be what I should be, my focus on work, on being ‘acceptable,’ on having the house and the car and the career the need for external approval, and acceptance became the focus, but became increasingly heavy. Heavy because it wasn’t meant for me and so it was a burden instead of a joy.
It was so heavy it became all I could carry and day by day, month by month, year by year, my dream was altered here, remoulded there, a chink here a chip there until it disappeared completely. Till ‘me’ was no longer something I could even lend a thought to.
I had what I’d worked for didn’t I? I should be satisfied and happy shouldn’t I?
I was busy alright. Life was full, but it was full of everyone else, everything else and ‘I’ was disappearing fast Crisis point came at the age of 33 I found myself living a life that was crucifying my spirit and I was desperately unhappy.
The day I walked home from work and an overwhelming feeling of dread overcame me I knew something was desperately wrong and I needed to fix it.
Loving you, loving me…
I knew in my heart that everyone I was walking towards were the people I love most in the world. My children, my husband, the lovely home we’d spent time and money renovating, the home that everyone came to in the holidays so what the (insert expletive of choice) was going on with me?
How could I be so ungrateful, how could I be so selfish?
Was exactly what I heard when I sat with my best friend at the time (or so I thought) and told them what was going on within me. How lost and unhappy I felt, yet conflicted and guilty and confused about why I was even feeling this way.
‘Get a grip! I’m alright…sort yourself out!’
Was the response my husband gave me.
And the walls came tumbling down!
A couple of years of marriage guidance counselling later and things really fell apart… I had two options… walk away or die (spiritually). The pain of an unfulfilled destiny had been acute, but this had now been usurped by the agony of accusations, recriminations, guilt and enmity.
FEAR crept into our world in a big, big way and like ‘Harry Potter’s’ ‘death-eaters’ began sucking the very life and marrow out of our relationship and out of our spirits. There were accusations and fantasies, there was hurt and recrimination, there was sadness, desperation, violence and punishment. After all, if I spoke my truth then perhaps it would mean having to sever the ties and what would that mean for us all?
The irony is, if I HAD been allowed the space to speak my truth, to be heard, to be allowed the freedom to seek who and what I should be, but within the space of the marriage, how much more would I have loved, how much happier and loving would I have been, how much more respect and admiration would I have demonstrated and how less likely would I have been to leave?
Clearing the pathway through the forest
If you’re past the age of say, twenty-five years you’ll probably have learnt that by now that the things in life worth having are often simple but you have to put in the effort.
To get to today has been hard work. I will not lie to anyone reading this and who is looking for an ‘easy’ route out or an answer to their own feelings of dis-satisfaction or unease. It was a particularly arduous and painful road I had to clear though my forest to get to the end and into the meadow beyond. I doubt it will be the same for most.
Angel says…sent with love
What I will say though is that it has taken me over ten years to get to a place of fulfilment, ease and self-acceptance and it was worth every minute of that time to feel as I feel, to do as I do and be who I am today.
If you’re struggling with finding your purpose, you’re feeling dissatisfied or uneasy in some way my advice would be to find a way to listen.
It’s in the stillness that we hear the voice of the divine.
Re-connect with something that you loved doing in the past, something which made you just feel amazing, but no longer do. Meditate or do Yoga. If that’s too ‘hippyish and weird’ for you take up some form of spiritual practise that does feel right to you. Stop judging your thoughts about yourself and others and simply give yourself time to relax and just ‘be.’
Next week you’ll find out exactly how my soul directed me to the wonderful space I find myself in today. I hope it inspires you and you are:
1. Grateful if you recognise that you are fulfilling your purpose
2. You find inspiration and comfort if you’re perhaps in a place where you haven’t quite found the path to the ‘authentic’ you.
Blessings & Much love
I have my own blog and would love for you to read more of my articles here.
If you have any questions regarding my article or would like some advice please email me.